


Just a bad nightmare, right?

by namppa



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other, Past Mind Control, Trauma, if this is post mind control you can just imagine all the bullshit going on in gamz thinkpan, so read with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-26 02:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6219463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/namppa/pseuds/namppa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gamzee Makara wakes up in a strange place. He has no idea where he is, or how he'd ended up there. A headache storms in his thinkpan, but that's nothing to a 6 sweep old who's going through a withdrawal.</p><p>No wait, how old was he again?</p><p>--<br/>A little thing with Gamzee who is no longer under Lord English's control! More like hey Hussie take a look at this and consider a free gam. This is not post game, but it's at the end of it. Shit happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fuck, what's true and what's not?

He awoke with a loud gasp, as if he had been holding it in for a long time. Or like he hadn’t breathed at all in the first place. Whatever the reason was, the fresh air got the miracles back to moving in his empty and aching thinkpan. Though the pain wasn’t anything new. Fuck, how long had he been asleep? It surely felt like an eternity- or maybe even two.

He began to open his eyes but the blinding light of the place he was in made him close them again. Now that he was more prepared for the bright light, he managed to open them, very slowly. The first thing he noticed was that he was sitting on the floor, his back against a smooth surface. Probably a wall? The floor under him was freezing cold, almost like his hands. He reached with one cold hand to his head and rubbed it, trying to erase the pain. Wow, his head was the worst right now, it has never hurt this much. But where the fuck was he? He began checking his surroundings and it definitely didn’t look any familiar. Or perhaps this place was just one of the meteor’s thousands of rooms. He had never been to them all so it would make sense, right?

Though, he had to admit, the floor was one of the most inconvenient places to take a nap. The room had a soft looking couch, a couple of tables and, you know, basic furniture stuff. He could’ve just fallen on the couch instead. But apparently past him had decided to prefer the floor. He couldn’t remember how he’d gotten there anyway. He decided to stand up and figure out where the fuck this place is. But as he was about to pull his strength to up and stand, someone yelled.

“S- Stay down! Please, uh- d-don’t get up!” And what a familiar voice it was.

He didn’t stand up because his best buddy didn’t want him to, for whatever reason. But he did try to stretch himself up enough so he could see over the tables. Ah, there his bro was!

“Hi Tavbro! It’s a real motherfucking miracle you’re here with me too. We can’t up and be lost all on ourselves. ‘S better to have a friend to be lost with, don’t you think?”

“G-Gamzee?” Gamzee was able to see his friends’ frightened face as he grinned at him.

“Who else did you think I’d be other than myself?” He laughed and looked at Tavros. He realized Tavros was very different than the last time he’d seen him. “Whoa, look at you, you ain’t looking like the troll I’ve been knowing for sweeps! You’re all blue and glowy, when did that shit happen?” The clown laughed some more. He hoped he could lighten the mood, but Tavros just didn’t look amused in all of his blue glory. “What’s wrong Tav?”

Tavros wished he knew. Oh he wished so much that he knew what was wrong. First off, Gamzee Makara was a alive and right in front of him! And he was behaving very different than what he’s been like for the past two and a half sweeps. It was almost like back then.

But Tavros couldn’t be sure if t was really _him_. This was all just too messed up. He couldn’t think clearly.

But there Gamzee was, sitting on the blue tiles and showing an emotion of genuine worry and speaking in actual full sentences. _It was almost like back then._

Tavros carefully flew across the table, landing right in front of _his best friend._ Gamzee followed his flight with mouth open in wonder. Just as he was about to say _how big of a miracle flying is_ , Tavros spoke before him.

“How old are you?”

Gamzee stared at Tavros, that was one of the weirdest questions Gamzee had ever heard and he’s heard plenty of them. “How old is he?” Aren’t they all the same age? Surely Tavros would know since they’ve been friends most of it. Why the sudden question?

“Motherfuck, Tav, have you already-”

 _“How old are you Gamzee?”_ Tavros kept insisting. He needed to know, he thought he was onto something. _Please Gamzee, this is important for us all, especially to you._

“6 sweeps.”

Yep. There it was. He was right.

Tavros covered his face with his odd glowy hands and stared at the floor in horror. He doesn’t remember. Gamzee has no idea what he’s been doing- He- _How is this possible?!_

“I have to, g- go get someone.”

“Tav-?” But Tavros was already gone, he passed through the wall like a dead one, a ghost.

  


-

 

It didn’t take long for Tavros to come back, this time through a door, with someone. Gamzee was still sitting on the floor and he had had enough time to examine himself this time. When he heard Tavros return, he began speaking.

“Shiiiit, I really must’ve had a real motherfucking snooze on. You guys really pulled a trick on this clown right here. Just what the fuck are these clothes?” He asked, and gestured at himself, especially at the cod piece. “I mean that thing right there is a big surprise. And then there are these motherfuckers!” This time he gestured at his face. Gamzee ran his fingers across the tree scars that have been sitting there since he was six sweeps old. “They feel so real! You must’ve used some nasty sharp markers to get my face to look like this. Haha, man I wish I had been there to see all this take place!” Gamzee raised his head up to see Tavros approach with another good friend.

“Holy fuck, you really weren’t kidding were you? This is sick-”

“Best friend! I was already getting my worry on as to where a pal like you had gone to- Oh damn, you’re so much taller bro! What’s been going on? Two of my best friends look real different, my thinkpan has hard times trying to get around all o’ this.”

“What…  

Karkat was shocked to say the least. It’s been sweeps, _sweeps_ , and this shithead hasn’t said _anything_ sensible during this whole time. And now he pretends that everything is just like it was back then? Not in his watch! He quickly glared at Tavros who realized right there and then that he shouldn’t have brought Karkat here. Vriska wasn’t to be trusted with this, or anything that needs leadership, but literally ANYONE else would have been better.

“...The FUCK?! Do you REALLY EXPECT that everything can just suddenly be all normal and miraculous, just because YOU pretend that it is? Now listen here you shitclown, I’m not buying ANY of THIS!” Karkat started yelling. He threw his hands up in anger and curled them into shaky wrists. He wasn’t ready to deal with something like this, _he had thought that maybe Gamzee had just woken up. He didn’t ask for this._

“Karkat, brother, what’s wrong-” Gamzee tried to cut in but Karkat was going again.

“ _WHAT’S WRONG?_ Did he seriously just ask _what’s wrong?_ Please tell me Tavros that my fucking ears are mishearing because I can’t be sure anymore with all this bullshit going on!” Karkat was upset, how _DARE_ he pretend absolutely that nothing’s happened. Maybe the clown needed a _friendly reminder_. Tavros tried to step in, this isn’t at all what he had asked, this isn’t what Gamzee needs right now. But he couldn’t get his voice to work. He was only able to look at Gamzee apologetically. The clown was terrified. It made Tavros’ heart twist.

“Maybe we should rewind the past shall we? Two FUCKING sweeps ago you decided to go on a killing spree, and you know what? You almost succeeded!! If it hadn’t been for Terezi, we would all be probably resting in fridges without our own heads!” Karkat stepped closer to the clown shrinking on the floor, he glared at him. Not with Karkat’s usual annoyed glare, but with a glare so angry, it would have made Jack himself jealous. But despite Karkat’s lovely reminder, Gamzee still had no idea what was going. He was scared, scared of the situation he was in and scared of the past he yet not remembered. Why was Karkat so mad with him?

He opened his mouth, but only let out a high pitched whine. No, he needed to know, _C’mon Gamzee, you can do it._ “K-Karkat, I-I still  got no idea as to why shit is going down like this, please brother, why- why are you angry? And why does Tav look like he’s seeing a ghost? What the motherfuck is going _on?!_ ” He couldn’t scream loud, as much as he wanted to, but at least he managed to make himself seem slightly stronger. It wasn’t much, but it helped him to get a grip of the reality. Though he was still taking as little place as possible on the floor. _This new Karkat was intimidating._

“FINE! Listen now and listen carefully! I don’t know what kind of a sick game you are playing here but let me tell you, _you won’t be getting away with this in one piece.”_ Karkat began, once again. Tavros didn’t like at all the direction this was going to, but it’s his own fault for not taking care of Gamzee himself. But he had been scared, _oh so scared._

“-You! You went around the fucking meteor, all the while messaging me, _your oh so best friend_ , about all the sick activities you were soon going to do with every single one of us-”

 

_a whisper._

 

“-You actually went all the way through in some timelines, guess our timeline was lucky enough to survive with only two casualties!”

 

_it’s holding on to me._

 

“-Equius and Nepeta did fight back though! Gotta give them little credit for that!”

 

_pain._

 

Gamzee felt pain flash through his brain, all the while burning everything that was left of him. _The scars. They’re in flames. Gotta put the fire out-_  

“Karkat-” Tavros saw Gamzee’s sudden distress. Karkat was making him remember.

“Oh yeah, once we got you subdued, left you to a place in the middle of nowhere, to a place you shouldn’t have been able to found us again! And look what the shit is going on right now!”

 

_i can’t breathe-_

 

“You’re somehow back with us again! The humans found you splitted in half, bleeding all over the coddamn place! Apparently some of them decided that we’d like to have the body back, for some weird fucking reason that was apparently important to the humans-”

 

_him, my so-_

 

_no._

 

“We all thought you were finally dead. You made it real hard for anything to get you killed.” Karkat stopped and tried to calm himself down. He had to close his eyes and breathe deeply. _Fuuck,_ he might have went a little overboard with that one. He could feel Tavros’ tense sprite body… thing, behind him. Karkat was able to understand his feelings. It had been a weirdly rough moment for the both of them. Once he felt relaxed enough to actually continue, Karkat raised his head to look at Gamzee. “You looked calm.”

 

_the puppeteer._

 

Gamzee was clutching his head in his arms and shaking. Nobody in the room was able to see his face, nobody could read his thoughts, not even Gamzee.

_He had forgotten- how had he forgotten. It hasn’t been more than few hours probably? Why did he suddenly forget- oh no he fucked up he fucked up he fucked up he FUCKED UP he- he’s-_

 

_He shouldn’t stay here._

 

Gamzee quickly reached to his sylladex, he remembered he had something that could help him.  With a flash, they were in his hands. Aradia’s timetables.

Tavros recognized them immediately, Karkat was a little confused.

“Gamzee-” Tavros rushed in front of Karkat. He couldn’t just leave now, and if he did, Tavros had a bone to pick with Karkat. _This could have gone so much better._

The clown lifted his head, just enough for _his friends_ to view his eyes. They both could see it. Those eyes on the verge of tears had been through too much. Way too much for Gamzee to handle. He was scared, uncertain and he couldn’t think, _he just needed to get out of here, they shouldn’t be this close to him-_

“Gamzee don’t!” Tavros flew right onto Gamzee as he was about to zap out. _He’s not going to get away again._ With a huge white burst of energy, both of them were gone and Karkat was left alone in the cold room.

Karkat sighed, and sat on the nearest table. He rested his head in his arms and let it all out. _God, he was tired. He really didn’t ask for all this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually have plans for more but idk man. Maybe it happens. maybe it won't. We'll see tho. Let me know what you think and if you have any ideas for this!! ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ


	2. It's all so familiar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee gets to speak and someone is there to listen to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ヽ༼ຈل͜ຈ༽ﾉ im memeing to hide my fears
> 
> Basically this chapter is how I wish Gamzee's arc would end. Or like, almost end. All my fears and all my hopes are right here. Was I writing from Tavros' pov or from my own?? No one will know...

Tavros’ weird transparent ghost body ached -it was a surprise it could even ache in the first place- as he struggled to get back to his senses. Something must have happened when they zapped away. Perhaps the timetables weren’t prepared to travel more than one person. Though he had to admit, it was a miracle he and Gamzee hadn’t fused together. **  
**

Speaking of Gamzee, where was he?

Tavros pulled himself up. He realized he was lying on a sand hill when his hands sank to the soft ground below him. And… he wasn’t fusing with the sand either. It was a big relief. It wouldn’t be nice to have a body made out of sand or anything else just as ridiculous. Tavros began checking his surroundings and at first glance, he seemed to be in a completely unknown place. But soon he saw a building, not too far from him, silently resting in front of an ocean. The building looked cold and abandoned. And… familiar. It looked like someone’s hive.

Excited to see his home planet again, Tavros flew higher to look at the familiar place around him. He was able to see a few more hives in the distance and the two familiar moons shining down at the ocean before him. It was, it really was their home planet! Oh man, it feels like it’s been an eternity since he last saw these dark skies and the everlasting silence was still present just like it used to. Tavros felt very nostalgic and he couldn’t help but to grin up there in the sky. He had so many good memories of this planet with Tinkerbull and his friends and all of the FLARP sessions, oh wow…

His joy ended once he spotted A Gamzee-looking figure sitting on the beach, facing the huge, calm ocean. Right.

Somehow Tavros forgot he wasn’t the only one with memories of this place. There must have been a reason for Gamzee to take them here.

Carefully, he floated closer to Gamzee. He didn’t want to startle him. Gamzee was probably wrecked enough already. Once Tavros was close enough to make sense of the details, he realized the purple figure was hugging his legs and had his head buried to his knees. Yep, Gamzee definitely was upset. Tavros wasn’t sure why Gamzee had gone through a small amnesia, or what had happened in the first place for him to be found split in two.

Or what had changed him so radically almost two sweeps ago. Tavros wished he knew how to ask. Just a few moments ago Gamzee seemed like the friend Tavros had had for most of his small life. He wanted that Gamzee back. Was it a selfish wish?

Tavros landed behind his Clown buddy. Tavros wasn’t sure if Gamzee knew he was behind him. Should he cough or… ask if he’s okay? Wow no, That’d be the worst idea. As Tavros was going through the choices he had, which there weren’t many, Gamzee broke his line of thought by speaking up.

“You’re not going to leave a motherfucker alone are ya?” He didn’t turn around to look at Tavros but lifted his head, gazing far away into the horizon before him. _Please don’t do this to me Tav._

“H- How did you- I mean- Um…” _C’mon Tavros, this isn’t the time to stutter and be awkward like a small wriggler._ “No. No I’m not. Uh…Can I… join you?”

For a moment Gamzee didn’t move at all and Tavros feared that he hadn’t heard him at all or that he had chosen to ignore him completely. As Tavros was about to ask a related question, Gamzee shrugged. Or it could have been anything really, but Tavros understood the small movement as a shrug and decided to sit next to him on the sand.

It was awkward. Tavros tried to relax himself and just you know, talk to Gamzee. But he couldn’t take his eyes away from the hypnotizing ocean and he wasn’t able to relax a single muscle in his body. Tavros felt really tense, he too had to hug his tail. Everything in his body was tight and cold, he couldn’t even cough to get rid of the agonising silence. Gamzee wasn’t doing any better. Every time Tavros managed to take a peek at all the purple next to him, Gamzee was shivering, his head resting to his knees. Sometimes he was holding his horns like they could shatter any time, other times he was playing with his hair. Right now, he was doing them both. Tavros wanted him to feel better, he needed to make Gamzee feel better. It just didn’t feel right to see him like this. Sure Gamzee had done some things in the near past, but now? The troll beside him was like a ghost or an imitation from Tavros’ memories. This is the closest to Gamzee Tavros has seen him be in sweeps.

He needed to help him.

Tavros opened his mouth but only let out a strange whine that ended up in a loud cough. It did catch Gamzee’s attention and he raised his head just enough to look at Tavros’ blue, glowy horns.

“Tav please… What is a motherfucker like you doing here? You- “ Gamzee stopped once he noticed Tavros was looking at him. Those eyes were just as sweet and beautiful as he remembered. Gamzee lowered his gaze quickly back to the sand under his feet. “You shouldn’t be here anyway…”

“But- But I uh-” Tavros was glad he managed to get his voice to work. Now if he were quick enough, he could finish his sentence before his courage would be gone. “I didn’t want to lose you again Gamzee. I- Um. Sure, I was scared when you just suddenly, spoke out of nowhere. But, I was happy too. It was nice to, hear you speak. Um…” Tavros felt really bad for all of his “ums” and “uhs.” He has never really stuttered when speaking to Gamzee. True, they haven’t seen in a long time but Tavros had been positive it wouldn’t change anything between them. He had been wrong. “I missed you. And… I don’t want to lose you again. Your company was always, so nice and, cozy.”

Tavros decided not to take his eyes away from Gamzee anymore, especially not while they were sitting here what was presumably Gamzee’s front yard, so he kept his gaze on his clown friend while he raised purple eyes and smudged makeup to look at Tavros.

Gamzee looked scared, shocked or upset. That’s pretty much the only thing Tavros was able to say. His face looked so confused, it was a mess of emotions honestly. Even the ever so happy clown makeup was frowning. But in a matter of seconds, as they were looking each others in the eyes, Gamzee turned angry. Or was it sadness?

He stood up from the ground in a one quick push and he looked like he was about to run off to somewhere, but he didn’t. Gamzee settled on pacing back and forth all the while he was pushing his nails to his palms, biting his lips and occasionally his hands too. Tavros knew this reaction was his fault. Gamzee stopped pacing and turned to look at Tavros as purple streams fell gently from his face. He was mad.

“How- What- What makes you think it’s all up and totally MIRACULOUS to just- say THAT?!” Gamzee has never in his life been much of a rageful person. It felt scary. But he just couldn’t do this anymore, he wished from the bottom of his rotten heart, that he wasn’t here right now and that he wasn’t taking this out on Tavros. He can’t do this anymore, he’s tired, upset and he feels so guilty about everything.

“…I-”

“Bro, stop! YOU AIN’T GOT A SINGLE IDEA OF ANYTHING!” He pressed his hands to his face and dragged them painfully across his makeup. As if he wasn’t a big enough of a mess already. _The scars are still throbbing anyway._

“Pl- please bro, don’t-” He stopped to hiccup. “Don’t say a thing like that. When you don’t know what took place in the meteor and- and after it.”

For a moment during Gamzee’s outburst, Tavros felt so small and scared. He had never seen Gamzee upset or sad or with any sort of a negative energy radiating from his body. He’s always had this sweet and goofy smile on his face, always cheering others up. But the nervousness flew quickly away with the fresh ocean breeze. This wasn’t the Gamzee Karkat had claimed him to be. Nor was this the Gamzee Tavros remembered from his past. No, this Gamzee was like a whole new person, with the memories of his past selves. The memories that had forced him to change.

Gamzee dropped back to the ground, looking more defeated than before, his hands were gripping to his hair and he was shaking more than earlier. But Tavros was glad Gamzee hadn’t run away again.

“I’m….” _I’m, what? Tavros, where are you going with this?_

“I’m sorry I, don’t know. But…”

As Gamzee was still sitting silently, crying and probably trying to listen what Tavros was about to say next, Tavros turned to face his friend in distress. Tavros’ emotions took a turn to more painful.

“I-I… I wish you could, tell me. I want to hear it from, you, and only you.”

Something in Gamzee’s posture changed. Perhaps he relaxed his shoulders. Or maybe he shifted his legs a little. Whatever it was, it was almost left unnoticed by the universes. All of them. Tavros was about to open his mouth to either let out an awkward noise or to strew out dumb apologies/explanations without an actual reason to do so, when he noticed Gamzee slowly lift his head up. His eyes looked miserable, his whole aura was miserable! Tavros wanted nothing more but to reach out and give him a pat on the back. Or maybe even hug.

The Clown opened his mouth, his sharp teeth shining with the moons’ light. They’ve always been too big for him. Tavros was holding his breath in as he waited for Gamzee to say something, anything. Gamzee was tasting the words in his mouth; licking his lips and teeth, mouthing several words while trying to figure out how to make a sentence.

“You… You would.. listn?”

Tavros felt a little surprised by the question’s simplicity. “Yeah, I mean, I’ve heard plenty of stories about what happened. Since, I was never around to see what was going on, helping the Jane human took, most of my time. But most of the, tales, I was told, didn’t sound that real to be honest. So I uh, I decided to listen to yours too before I would make any, bad assumptions.”

Gamzee was trying to fight back the urge to look Tavros into his deep eyes. He just- He shouldn’t do it. It doesn’t feel right- So he fixed his eyes onto the waves hitting the shore. Gamzee gently sniffed snot back to his nose and asked: “…Promissh?”

“Promise.”

The Taurus wasn’t completely sure what he had just promised. But he was glad he did. Gamzee began slowly and very carefully to tell what had happened in the meteor. And the things he heard definitely weren’t anything old that he had heard dozens of times before. Tavros had never heard that the last person Gamzee had spoken to before “flipping the fuck out”, had been that human Dave. Nor had he ever heard where the “motherfucking shitstorm” had begun.

“I was real upset about it. My motherfucking beliefs were pretty much the only thing keepin me afloat and just in a matter of seconds it was all taken from my young dumb hands.” It was hard for Gamzee to say this all out loud, he’s been suffering in silence for far too long. Even if he had to stop hiccuping every now and then, he wanted to let it out. It needed to be let out. “I went wandering around the tiny ass rock we all were on, just to find something comforting. Then I heard this wicked voice.”

He told Tavros about the puppet, or more like the puppeteer, Lil Cal. Gamzee said that the voice he heard was all nice and it felt safe. It sounded familiar. But it suddenly changed when he found the source of the noise. The voice, the puppet, started yelling at him, telling him what to do. All the while without moving those wooden lips. Gamzee had been able to resist the orders. Until he accidentally glanced at the puppet’s bright blue soulless eyes.

“I couldn’t say no anymore.”

Gamzee had broken down to uncontrollable sobs when he had to tell Tavros about Equius and Nepeta, about all the thoughts roaming in his head. _“They said you all hated me. Told me you deserved the most nastiest deaths. Screamed for me to ruin everything and everyone around me.“_

But then a human had appeared out of nowhere.

Gamzee told how the rest of the meteor trip was one of the best things that happened to him. Or the worst, he wasn’t able to decide.

“It was like… I was just existing all without any motherfucking senses left to me. I could tell what was going on around myself. But I couldn’t do a single thing to make things go any better. I could barely even give any emotion at anyone. The “best motherfucking friend” might’ve been all gone but shit if it wasn’t still holding onto my rotted thinkpan…”

During Gamzee had been telling, he had not dared to look at Tavros, not even to give a quick glance. _“What if he thinks I’m lying? He’s probably just getting all mad about this, he just wants to leave-”_ but the silence was murdering him. They had been sitting on this too familiar sand for a long time, it felt like an eternity. Though Gamzee wasn’t sure if time would pass normally in a dreambubble like this. The most upsetting thing was how silent Tavros had been the entire time. The only thing was when he had encouraged Gamzee to continue with a little “go on.” _Why isn’t he saying anything-!_

“You know,” Gamzee jerked his head up and stared at Tavros wide eyed. Tavros had his eyes fixed to the ocean’s calming waves as he rested his head to his folded arms. _He’s going to leave now, he doesn’t care about-_ “I always knew something was more than wrong.” Tavros raised his head, all blue and glowing. He had tears streaming down his round cheeks. He didn’t seem to be freaking out like Gamzee, his face even seemed calm, but tears were one of the few things they had in common at the moment. Just as Gamzee’s purple filling out of his tired eyes, was Tavros’ brown starting to settle down on his face, even if the brown seemed more blue now. The two just looked into each other’s eyes, both of them more lost than intended. Oh how had Tavros missed him.

“I’m- I’m sorry Gamzee-” Tavros took a sharp breath before continuing. “I’m so sorry I didn’t know-”

“Tav-”

“No, please let me say this. I had no idea what had happened, I just s-suddenly found out that you were in the chest of whimsy and- I couldn’t even say anything against it, because I thought Vriska was right, as usual. You didn’t deserve it!” Tavros grasped the sand under his hands hard. He knew something was wrong, but he didn’t open his mouth. He had just let him suffer.

Tavros rose from the ground to float around fifty centimeters above the shore, Gamzee following his flight with surprised eyes. Tavros was still holding the sand in his left hand. He was so upset, filled with anger. But all he could do was to grip his fist tighter and tighter. He couldn’t let it out any other way. He needed to comfort Gamzee right now, not get furious over the past. Tavros kept his head low, but muttered: “I’m sorry Gamzee…It… It must’ve been, horrible.”

Gamzee began recalling, without intending to do so, the recent events. _The fridge was so cold. And the noises, oh so loud_.  He crossed his legs and let his own arms hug himself, maybe to warm himself or maybe to find comfort.

“Shit was cold, and. Scary. It, hurt like a motherfucker…” _One bruise is right here._ Gamzee was pressing his right side with his fingertips, it looked like he was poking through his ribs. Tavros watched him feel them. Both of the trolls were feeling so horrible. The mood was no longer awkward, it was just painful and filled with sorrow. “I was just- so much happier when my pan all tricked me in- into thinking that. It was all just a real nasty daymare. I didn’t- I…”

Tavros watched Gamzee curl smaller and smaller on the ground. He lifted his hand and opened it to look at the sand again. _Still not fusing._ Tavros poured the hand off his hand and sniffed snot back into his nose before asking Gamzee: “Is it alright, if I hug you?”

Gamzee stopped moving, stopped for so long that Tavros thought that he had done something very wrong. The moment was silent with the exception of the sound of waves. It was calming to listen to. The Clown stared at the horizon and tried not to, freak out or to grab the timetables again and flee. It’s been so long, too long. It sounds so alien. He… He’s not sure if…

“You want to..?”

Tavros landed next to Gamzee and kneeled next to him. Or, he would if he actually had legs to kneel with. But it felt like he did and could do it. Though that isn’t something he should be focusing on right now, even if it felt weird. Tavros hovered his hand right above Gamzee’s thigh, not sure if he was allowed to touch. Gamzee wasn’t backing away or doing anything against it, but he was holding his breath and trying not to vomit the little he had inside. Tavros locked his eyes with Gamzee, only briefly for Gamzee had to turn his eyes somewhere else. But Tavros knew. He placed his hand onto Gamzee’s thigh and Gamzee turned his eyes back to it.

_It didn’t hurt._

“I do.”

They were silent. Until Gamzee nodded and let out a small sob. Tavros hesitated long enough for Gamzee to get ready. Eventually he reached out very slowly and pulled Gamzee close, into a gentle, loving hug.

_And it didn’t hurt._

Gamzee began uncurling from his protective position and carefully and nervously he hugged Tavros back. _Still not hurting._ Their posture was really difficult, Gamzee’s knees were poking Tavros’ lower body and Tavros’ horns were kind of in the way of everything. But it felt safe. And familiar. Gamzee felt so relieved sitting there in the middle of both good and bad memories, his head resting on Tavros’ chest and crying, crying and crying. Tavros was there for him, hugging him back, petting his hair and acting far too pale. And neither of them couldn’t give a damn. They had been the best of friends for such a long part of their lives, they had had each other’s backs, in good and in bad. Until it had all ended in just one night. But Tavros was now here for Gamzee. He was physically here. He was-

“I- I mmss- missed you- Tavfross-!”  Gamzee tried to yell with his hoarse-from -crying voice, all coughing and hiccuping onto Tavros’ chest. Any other moment he would have felt scared or guilty for feeling this bad, _It’s all your fault you piece of shit-!_

But Gamzee knew Tavros wasn’t going to let him get away again. He could get a hold of things, a hold he’s never had before. Gamzee wished that maybe, just maybe, he could be there with everyone else again. _But what if they’re all just going to laugh and mock him, what if none of them wants to have anything to do with him? Oh god he should just disappear and-_

“I missed you too, Gamzee” Tavros whispered right next to his ear. It was so tender and soft, meant just for him. No one else was able to hear it. Just the two of them were in that dreambubble, on that beach. That’s all that mattered, it was a good place to start anew.

As himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and if you have anything to say, anything at all, please do share!!


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